Quando Quando Quando

So this year is almost over. Christmas Eve and Christmas came and went. Christmas Eve used to mean a lot to me. Every year was a milestone and now it means nothing to me. I'm still in shock over everything I've done and everything that's happened to me and how fast it all happened and how quickly it all passed me by. I can't believe I went to a temple on Christmas. Me in a religious setting, of all people... Oakland Temple w/ beautiful lights and view. I guess it was worth the trip with my parents.
I wonder how long I can say I'm still 21. I don't feel any wiser. In fact, I feel more confused than ever.
I believe I want ... affection, I suppose? Yet, I feel like it's too early and too weird to actually be in a relationship. I'm probably driving him crazy. I can tell myself to cut it out, but I can't help it. I probably don't notice I'm a big nutcase until after I've already acted like one. I can say that I don't need to worry about a thing and just go with the flow, but where do you draw the line between stuff that happens to you and letting things happen to you? If I let something happen, isn't that basically a decision I've committed to making? Besides, it's not like there are clear-cut lines that define what is friendship, more than friendship, dating, dating casually, commitments, and all the rest that fall into the huge category of human interaction.

And what do I want anyway? Maybe that's what I need to figure out first. I think that I'm pretty screwed up from what happened to me a few months ago and the huge decision I made to cut ties with the ex afterwards. However...I think I really like this guy, but at the moment I feel very unsure about relationships in general. I'm so confused. I'm going round and round in circles again, always trying to make sense of my own thoughts. Ok... so to recollect what I want and don't want...I think that if I'm not sure about something, I probably shouldn't do it. I've already let too much happen and yet I still call it a non-relationship, because that's what I feel comfortable calling it. I like the hand-holding, and everything else...and I think I would like to see it develop into a positive, healthy relationship...eventually. So I guess I don't want to be without him and yet I cannot commit to him.
I feel like I'm being unfair by wanting him around without him actually being my boyfriend. Still, I gave him the option to date other girls and he said he'd rather wait for me. I don't know if hearing him say all the right words makes things easier or harder for me. They're definitely nice to hear though. How can I feel so happy and so confused and so worrisome at the same time? Here's to hoping I don't screw this up.
When did I start having 'feelings'? I didn't know I was capable of having them...again. I think I'll relieve my conscience by reminding myself that my last relationship was already falling apart long before any of this developed.
I also hope I stop frequently remembering all the old memories of a broken relationship. They pull me to a time in my life that no longer exists.

In a few days it will be a brand new year. I will start a brand new job. I just really hope I'll gain some valuable experience and it will be a positive learning experience. That's most important to me. I've also done some goal-revising. I've basically decided that I don't see accounting in my future. It's a bit too rigid and lifeless for me. I want to try to catch the big fish, all the long-shots that I probably won't get and will probably end up disappointed with myself for trying to get them in the first place.
Another very rough, general outline of what I hope to accomplish in a few years.

- Gain enough professional work experience to apply to graduate schools (3 - 5 years, so they say. *sighs* Oh great...I'll be 25 at the least O.O!)

- Take the GMAT --> That means I really need to crack down on studying.
Finish that test today.
Try to finish one section per month. So that might take me like...5 months?

- CFA LEVEL I --> REGISTER IN FEBRUARY FOR JUNE 2010 EXAM
Finish at least one book per month
If all goes well, Level II Dec 2010, Level III June 2011

- Apply to graduate schools a few years down the line. Hopefully I'll be moved out of here before then. Get into a good MBA program.

- Ultimately, I'd like to get into a topnotch MFE program. A graduate degree that specifically focuses on finance and is math-intensive sounds like it was designed for me. According to the student profile of UCLA's Andersen school, over half of those enrolled already have a graduate degree, so hopefully I can get my MBA degree to get into a good MFE school. which just goes to show that a B.S. in M.E. is useless.
Oh yeah, down the line, I'm going to need to figure out which pre-MFE program classes I need to take. I'm pretty sure that I need to learn C++ and linear algebra. I don't know if the calc and stats classes I took will actually fulfill any requirements.

- Use MFE degree to enter into a fulfilling, satisfying, lifelong career with medical, dental, pension, paid vacations, the works. The ultimate goal.

So for now, I need to focus on the internship and studying. The cash will be good for...
- Buy monthly Fast Pass & pay for phone bill
- Pay off Student Loan by April 2010
(- Pay the ex back for old bills (?))??
- See a dentist. Get rid of cavity -.- --> Make an appointment at UCSF.
- CFA Registration - Pay in February 2010

I'd also like to use my earnings to
- invest in CDs, mutual funds?, maybe look for some bonds, not feeling too good about equities especially when it looks like a good quarter with very few good entry points. as for Alternative Investments, I don't think I make enough money for real estate, hedging, futures, etcetera...
- start putting substantial amount into Roth IRA
- new clothes, maybe...? if there's any cash left...

STUFF I WANT BUT CAN'T HAVE (YET):
- new laptop --> hopefully under $600, preferably HP or Dell w/ Intel processor of at least 1.6GHz, 2 or 3 GB of ram, 250 - 300 GB Hard Drive, built-in webcam, preferably running Windows 7...what more could I ask for? It's not like I do any high-tech stuff. There's really no point in trying to plan for a new laptop. I've already decided I'm not going to buy a new one until I go to school again or until this one breaks down on me. Probably the latter will happen. I'm counting on it.
- MOVE OUT -> gotta get out of HERE. I DO plan to move out within the next year. Here's to hoping my future salary permits me the opportunity to move out of parents' house and into my own apartment closer to work.
- Pay for MBA & MFE on my own or w/ financial aid
- I would like my own car one day...but I guess that's not really on top of my list, because as much as I want one, I can admit that I don't need one. It's not like I can drive to work. Unfeasible, given how costly it is to drive downtown and how much it'd hurt the maintenance of a vehicle and the entire lack of parking and the ridiculous costs of public parking lots. Plus, car insurance is probably something I can't afford.
Oh the perils of a broke person in early 20's living in the city.
I've come a long way in the past few months. Gotta go even further.
and now...I sleep.

Got Mail

2 pieces of mail for me today.

1) My primary care physician, whom I have actually never met, sent me a formal letter informing me, and probably all her other patients, that she will be on maternity leave until May. In all the years that she has been my doctor, I have never been able to get an appointment with her. For someone who is so out of reach, she decides to inform me that she will be reach now. That is...interesting...and strange. But good for her, she'll be a new mother soon.

2) My diploma came. Major in M.E. & Minor in Chinese & Psych & grad. w/ honors, official as of 9/11/2009. I'll remember that date heh. It feels so official, a finite ending. It's not like this signals the end of education, not at all. Actually, it's more like the end of youth. A little piece of paper that says it's time to grow up.

So, starting in January, I'll be working again. At least this time, it's something that is at least related to what I want to do with my life. Plus, the pay is better. I'm happy to move forward. I guess I had a couple of months off and I'm pretty disappointed in myself for not being more productive about it, but there's no point in dwelling over time lost. I need to find some motivation. I'm hoping I'll get it soon. I usually tend to get more accomplished when I feel swamped.

=]

A while ago, a stranger on the N car told me 'This is such a beautiful city.' I guess I'm finally realizing that I sort of take it for granted that I live in this gorgeous town. The rolling hills, parks, views, skyscraping monsters that deck the skyline. Why yes, it is quite a beauty. I need to take more pictures.

I still want to have that picnic at Dolores Park

Today, via public transportation, a stranger asked me for the time and then she went on and on about having to be on time for some meeting. I had trouble paying attention. So to make it seem like I was actually interested in talking to her, I said 'That's a cute dog you have there.' (Not really...a chihuahua with a gold heart around its neck with 'Honey' as the inscription, wearing a bright pink sweater over a blue sweater, and get this...its claws were painted PINK). Stranger's reply 'Thank you, her name is Sweet Honey, because she's so sweet.' I guess it's quite adorable that she loves her dog so much. Everyone's gotta love someone or something, right?

Does love really exist? Pardon me for being a cynic, but sometimes I think love is just a four-letter word cooked up by some geniuses in ancient history who wanted to make money. Think about it. When people say they fall in love, they want to spend time together, paroosing around town, buying each other gifts, items that show sentimental value. And it all costs MONEY. Why don't we have the whole world fall head over heels for each other? Wouldn't that be an economy-stimulator? Consumer spending pushed by LOVE...Aww, how sweet. Right... -.-

It may seem that I have a very negative attitude, and I may be wrong. (Most of the time, I am wrong.) Now, most relationships I see do not last indefinitely. The ones that do last are apparently people who are just fooling themselves. I'm not saying EVERY COUPLE out there is fooling themselves. I'm sure you or your significant other or someone else's lover is, in fact, very much in love. At this point in my life, I just feel that there is no such thing as happily ever after. A couple may be together for a month, a year, or a decade, or share a home and a family. Even then, many couples, especially couples who claim they are 'happily married' still end up broken up, separated, divorced, etc. Nothing is for certain, nothing is guaranteed. Life is an adventure. Today you're strolling down La La Land, and tomorrow you may be filing for divorce.

Now to actually say that the person you are with right now is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. The best thing to do is to just enjoy your happy moments while they last. To expect 'happily ever after' and 'forever' does put a strain on the present. Living in the moment and appreciating the present without expecting too much from the future is the best way to go. Hrm, sounds like I should actually take that bit of advice and apply it to my own life.

What's that saying? Learn from the past, live for the moment, and look towards the future? Something like that. I say learn from the past. Learn from your mistakes, your significant other's mistakes, your friend's mistakes. Just take it all in. Everything you experience or come close to becomes a lesson learned, one way or another. Take in the knowledge and learn from it. If we don't learn, we're really not benefiting from anything.
Live for the moment. Definitely. Once the moment's past, you can't get it back. Do what you love, do it now, and hopefully end up without regrets. =]
As for the future, plan for it. Can't plan for everything. If you do, you'll just end up disappointed. Look forward to it, because hopefully it'll turn out great.




I just heard that on Hulu, the UC DAVIS HEALTH SYSTEM is a SPONSOR. Huh? Correct me if I'm wrong. Sponsors put up cash to get their name out there, like advertising, right? Now, why does the UC Davis Health System need to spend money to put it into some form of entertainment, while tuition hikes are about 32% recently?
The way I see it, the UC Davis Health System is for students, students who don't already have health insurance, members of faculty, etcetera. Other than that, I really don't think that this facility will be getting any more clients. So what is the point in getting their name out there? Nobody else will use these services. Plus, Davis is in the middle of nowhere. Other than by over-enrolling the campus, its population is not going to grow by much. In conclusion, UCD sponsor Hulu...WHY???
But good job to students who demand to know why tuition is skyrocketing, what it is they are actually paying for, and a healthy determination in finding out where their money is going. Power to the people and to education. Seriously, where is this country going if education is falling apart?

I think I have a brain and I have many thoughts. I'm going to start writing them down, because one day when I'm older I'm going to look back and maybe feel good about reading my own thoughts and blabberings.

Sometimes, I question the general consensus. Perhaps the media and other influences that society puts out there leads us to think a certain way and most of us don't even realize it. Then we start to lose our own opinions, perceptions, and ideas. It's a pretty slippery slope when people stop thinking for themselves.
I believe that my parents' generation suffered especially from the propaganda of the Maoist era. They followed blindly and were either too weak or too scared to question what they were made to believe. Even in the face of starvation, the majority of the country did not dare speak up. Seeing those who did fight for a pinch of freedom become persecuted turned everyone else away from doing so. Not to perpetuate a stereotype or anything, but I truly believe that this sort of attitude is exactly why Chinese people are seen as docile, obedient creatures who rarely speak up or stand up for themselves. So there you have it, a nation fallen apart. Starved and beaten down, but still it's either follow the pack and continue to suffer than face the alternative. Who knows where these people would have ended up if the country had banded together and fought for their basic rights instead of chanting a ridiculous mantra while lying through their teeth 'All hail Chairman Mao.'?
My father, on the one hand, definitely has his own mind. Perhaps, a little too geared to his own ideas, relentlessly touting his own beliefs as 'right,' and unyielding towards new or different ideas. If I say gays are just people who love their own sex, pops tells me I'm wrong and that all gays, the entire community and the act of being gay itself, is wrong. I choose to agree to disagree, and that pretty much goes for everything else that we discuss. There's really no point in trying to make him see things my way. That's not a battle I'll win. If it's one thing he's good at, it's putting his ideas out there, whether or not people will agree with him. Action is another story. My dad works by the system, and will never push against it even when things work against him. That must be why he's been in the USA for over 20 years and he works in the USPS and watches all his friends develop valuable skills and opening up their own businesses.
Mother, on the other hand, is ... a child. A grown woman, on the surface. Her own ideas? I have yet to see any. She draws her knowledge from the press, mostly the Asian media. The 50 cent Chinese newspaper that they buy every day and the KTSF news. She believes every word and every syllable uttered and printed across the board. She may occasionally pick up something in English print, but her English peaked around her 30s and improvement is long gone. She'll take a glance at it, understand the bare minimum and draw some harebrained conclusion that children should listen to their elders and that's that. Reasoning and logic are unnecessary as long as you listen to your elders. That's her mantra.
Ergo, the communication lines in this house are severed. Plus, my own skills in Chinese are limited, which creates a language barrier at home. I'd say I make most of the efforts to try to close the gap, because my parents make nearly no effort to try to learn any more English than they already know. It's really quite a shame, because they are trying to survive in this country and speaking English is necessary to their survival.
Other than the language barrier, I feel this huge generation gap between my parentals and me. It's like they want to live in this newfangled, modern world and enjoy freedom, but they brought their rigid mindsets from the 1950s and forever their minds will be stuck in that era.














On a completely separate topic, I would definitely appreciate a politician who supported the gay community as well as abortion and promotion of public goods.

Seriously, what is so wrong with being gay? We can dance around the subject and the only argument I really hear just boils down to the Bible says marriage ought to be between a man and a woman or the act of being gay itself seems wrong and unnatural. I can think of a million other acts out there that are definitely WRONG and UNNATURAL.
I don't see why gay marriage is even a political issue. I believe it is an individual's own lifestyle choice and decision that one should make for him or herself. Other than for tax revenue, creating this into some political debacle seems unnecessary and rather selfish for the government to deny someone the basic right to declare being in a legally binding commitment. When people do find love and want to enter into marriage, shouldn't we just be happy for them? It seems so rare for any one person to find someone to be romantically interesting, more rare to fall in love, even more rare to find true love. I think practically anyone in this world can appreciate the beauty of a couple who proclaim their love. Shouldn't we be happy for the gays when they proclaim the same statement, that they believe they've found love and want to be married? That's just my opinion on the subject.

As for abortion, I'm aware that a lot of people see it as an easy way out for people who are not ready to bear children. Yes, I agree that it is reckless to use abortion time and time again to neglect real-life responsibilities. However, abortion as a last resort for a lot of women who are unable to bear the responsibility of another life seems necessary to me, especially in this harsh world. People need to have choices and people need to decide for themselves without the pressures of other voices swaying them to choose one or the other. For example, what if a female had been raped and becomes pregnant by force? Is it right to say she must give life when she never even made the choice to have sexual intercourse?
Even if there was no force involved, I feel it is WRONG and UNNATURAL to bring life into this world without being able to care of it. Giving birth to a human being is a responsibility and once a person brings that life into this world, he or she must be certain that the baby will be taken care of, whether it be self-financed, assistance, or giving the baby up for adoption.
Disclaimer: I am in no way, shape or form, comparing newborns to animals.
When a child wants a pet, you would tell the child no way in hell should the kid be allowed to have a puppy if he cannot take care of it. Who in their right mind would give a kid a puppy if he ends up sitting on the couch watching cartoons, and letting a cute pup starve and become emaciated?
I have that same opinion about bringing a newborn into this world. No person in this world should even think about bringing life into this world unless they are certain the baby will be taken care of and that's that. A baby cannot choose to be born, or choose anything for that matter. Those who give birth must decide "Can I really make sure that this baby will lead a healthy and happy life?" and if the answer is no, is it fair to bring that baby into this world and ultimately force the baby to endure pain and suffering?
Thus, I believe that abortion must be a choice made available to unwed mothers or unprepared people anytime, anywhere. No one should ever feel forced or trapped into any decision. We have to do what we feel is the right decision. No child deserves to be brought into an environment with regret.

As for public goods...well...look at this country, everything is so ridiculously expensive. Just making an appointment with a doctor to ask some simple questions requires careful consideration. Is it worth the trip and a few bucks just to get there and wait about half an hour before you even get any advice?
All the while, we watch other countries with much higher tax brackets get better health care, and benefit from better infrastructure. Are we so selfish that we'd rather have more income and a worse off standard of living?
People around here spend way too much time complaining and not nearly enough time DOING something. I don't see why people complain about taxes here at all. When someone is making 6 figures and living a comfortable life, what is so wrong with putting up tax dollars that may benefit other people and potentially the entire community in the process?
As I get older, I'm watching public education in this world take a nosedive. Why did an upstanding high school that once received national awards strip away much of its curriculum and is now only making use of paperback books with lighter course loads? If someone teaches P.E., what makes him qualified to teach World Literature? I'd like to see some certification, please.
As if the younger generation doesn't have enough distractions while the technology and entertainment industries are making big bucks. A nation of idiots, I say.
I think Obama's attempt to improve education by extending the school year shows he means well. But nobody can force a kid to learn. If a child is in school and not focussed, he'll just be spending that much more time in school letting his mind rot away or plotting his next misdemeanor or felony. Education needs to be stimulating enough to hold someone's attention and hopefully instill the will to do something useful. I don't know what the solution is, but funds definitely need to be put back into education. These tuition hikes and simultaneous budget cuts defy logic.
I may be wrong, but I believe I read in an article that last year, the state of California put her money into prisons than in education. Ain't that grand?
Decent people and starving people put up a lot of their hard-earned dollars to receive quality education. It's not fair to force people to pay more when they expect better and are receiving something below par.

I think that's it for today.

can't time just slow down for me? or freeze altogether

you know what kills relationships?
relationships kill relationships
lol everything is fine until the relationship starts

what's worse is when the friendship ends

Unemployed again. I know better than to count my eggs before they hatch, but I guess I just couldn't take it anymore at that job. or maybe that's what I tell myself to make myself feel better about my decision. It's for the best, so I can devote more time to finding the right job for myself. SO then, why is my strategy to shoot out my resume to whatever is hiring, no matter what the job is? LoL @ MYSELF.

I need to learn how to be independent
practice patience
be STRONG, stop falling apart, I know I can fix my own problems.
I don't need a man, no I don't...no no no no no

I'm good. I'm cool. Everything's fine =] ... I think?

New Schedule
9AM - 12:30 PM --> Apply for jobs
1PM - 3PM --> Study for GMAT
3PM - 5PM --> Apply for jobs!

I've never been so verbally abused at work. This is including Victoria's Secret.

on a separate note, guys will say stuff. It always sounds pretty, the same old cheesy, sappy stuff, and it tends to make girls melt. WHY? I just want to be steady as a rock, no melting. I thought I could handle it. I guess I'm sappy too.

So ... all my life, whenever I'm upset, angry, or sad I just listen to music and it makes me feel better. Sometimes, it's frustrating, because I sort of want to stay angry a little while longer, but the right song at the right time hits the right spot for me.

Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting
Richard Marx & Donna Summer - At The Beginning

hey you, if you're reading this...
I like the way you hardly know me and yet you understand me so well.
I like the way you make me smile and you hardly even have to try.
I like how you listen and how you unexpectedly reach for my hand.
I like how you remember what I say and repeat it back to me days later, like it's still fresh in your memory.
You don't even know how much that means to me.
I can't believe it was so easy for me to fall for you. and so fast...it scares me
How did this happen? I lived it, but I don't understand it =]

Last Thursday, Tim and I ate at In n Out. on Friday, we walked around Golden Gate Park and had a picnic with HALF a subway sandwich haha, carrot cake, snapple white tea. We had a good time at Stybing Arboretum. On Saturday, we spent Halloween at turtle hill, saw the sunset =], then ocean taqueria, watched a stupid movie called fear, then we hung out at quickly's. Today we just...um... did stuff. lol why am I having trouble writing this in my own private blog? I must have privacy issues with myself. I haven't felt this good in a while. It's also scary. I don't think this could actually work, could it?
Nothing makes sense now. I'm not surprised. Nothing ever makes sense.

=] =? Life just got a lot more confusing. I think I'm done making hard decisions...for now at least. I think I'll just go with the flow and see what comes next.

please don't
write me off
for what you see
on the surface
please don't
think you
have me figured out
please don't
mistake me
for someone's
small-minded stereotype
don't be surprised
if I act unaccordingly
to your expectations
do not
mold me into
what you wanted me to be
I'm more than what you think
I'm better than that

The other day I was curling my eyelashes and I noticed one of my lashes fell out. I held it on the tip of my index finger and I thought to myself...what do I want to wish for? What do I want? Since when do people ever really know what they want? I know I want everything, money, comfort, passion, ecstasy (it's not that money comes first, it was just the most obvious one) ... but none of those seem like a wish. So to replace one vague desire with another, I thought "a happy ending" and I blew it away. That's all anyone really wants right? To leave this earth knowing that the life we lived was worth the efforts, the moments of happiness outweigh the sorrow, and that we took away something of value from our experiences. So when it's all over, we end it content and without regrets. Yeah,

la la la

so....Friday was fun. =] oh my gosh...what am I doing? I'm starting to fall...pretty hard. and I'm not supposed to. oh great. I think I'm about to enter some pretty dangerous territory. I'm still no wiser than I was as a teenager. Will I ever grow up? I guess not. haha

I don't think I need another roller coaster ride right now, although I'd love to be at a theme park right now. aaagggghhhh what am I DOING??? I feel loopy haha. I also feel like I don't ever want to put myself in a situation where I could potentially get hurt, EVER AGAIN, because I am a coward.

so I've been so scared of getting hurt that I forgot that I don't want to do any of the hurting.

a couple of things I've noticed. When we're young, like REALLY young, we don't want to stand out. Being different is sort of scary. What will people think? Who wants to go to school thinking people can see your quirks and talk about them behind your back? As we grow up, we know better. Blending in really gets you nowhere. That's how I feel with this job-search process. I need an edge, something to make me stand out. I'm so impatient. I want to get my life started already. PRONTO!

Aside from that thought, there are some people who just never grow out of their juvenile phase, *ahem* my parentals...my BOSS ugh. momma was mad at me so she passive-aggressively walked around me to get a napkin...just 1 napkin, none for anyone else...yeah, real mature. *rolls eyes* boss lady thinks she's being tough by threatening to take away the fridge. WHATEVER. that is SO lame.

When I get home tomorrow, time to wipe this OS with a new one.
Ok, here ends my random and somewhat cryptic post. haha

I'm SO ambitious...a milli a milli THINGS TO DO

yet another one right after the other, I'm crazy I know... but I just feel like I want them all to be separate, because they're all separate topics. Actually the title of the previous one goes better here
JOB Search Stuff to Do
1) Apply to all those places on ICC
2) " " Careerbuilder.com
3) more search on craiglist, I suppose

oh yeah, I guess I can also look up big giant office buildings addresses on google maps, and then it gives me a listing of the companies that preside in those locations. search up those companies and see if they're hiring.

STUDY! (Seriously, I think I forgot how to study haha. I need to get in touch with the old me, the me just a few months ago who would fight tooth and nail to get that A over an A-)
GMAT
CPA
CFA
eventually...down the road...series 7, 63...etcetera

I still REALLY want to take classes at CCSF to pick up skills, for fun, etc.
Accounting classes
excel
quickbooks
kickboxing (and maybe just go down the list and do every single p.e. class)
cantonese, spanish, french (I am interested in getting certificates in languages like Jeff Li was telling me about, seems really useful, but only if I keep practicing what I learn, which is sort of unlikely)
dance class
vocal music
graphic design, web design, etc. (potentially anything that will make me more creative, more tech savvy, etc.)

I want to upgrade my operating system, cuz Windows 2003 is ANCIENT. damn that's embarrassing and also something that I had wanted Eric to do for me...jeez I need to learn how to do things on MY OWN. I'd also like to learn Photoshop, Illustrator...I just want to do EVERYTHING

EXERCISE
UCSF - I need to create some sort of fake student schedule, claim that I lost my student ID to get a temporary free gym membership lol the things that Jimmy does, I still can't believe it worked for him. I can't believe I'm considering pulling the same scam.
but if I'm going to start taking p.e. classes at CCSF, then I might not have to do this. meanwhile...before spring semester
I need to perk up my energy levels
wear comfortable shoes (carry a pair of heels or flats) to work, so that I can walk home from work. a good long walk every day = major healthy, active points
On nice warm days, I should jog on the boulevard, build my endurance. I HATE to run *sighs* but I need to. so glad I no longer have to run the mile, but sad that nobody forces me to exercise.
so to summarize..I WANT to do this:
Every night 10 push-ups, 30 sit-ups
jog on sunny days - free time
Mon - Thur: walk home from work

I wish there was somewhere where I could swim. Sava is a potential possibility, but I doubt I'd have the courage to go there by myself. I bet there's a bajillion high school kids there...
[*sighs* more and more, I find myself so lonely and friendless, but I'll save that for another time, another topic. (why am I such a stickler for organization when I know that my thoughts are anything but neat and organized?)]

and...other than this...fitness regime that I WANT to stick to...I need to eat healthy meals...but BLAH...I love to eat junk. It's harder now that I'm not the one buying groceries for myself...oh, the perils of moving home. I miss buying red leaf lettuce, juicy fat tomatoes, sea salt croûton, et cetera...

WHAT ELSE IS ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO??? I don't know, but if it comes to mind, I need to write it in here so that it'll all stay in one ... source (?) or whatever

I can't believe it. The past few months have been whizzing by crazy fast.
I thought it was pretty insane after I finished Spring Quarter. I remember biking home that Thursday night, coming home to an empty house and nobody around to congratulate me on my bike ride. Then I cooked (I think) some fried rice. Was it that night that Travis bought strawberry ice cream and we had a short ice cream conversation in the kitchen? then I just wasted a lot of time watching tv, I think...I believe Tim came home, ate some of my food on the stove prior to me putting it away.
On Friday, I don't know why I worked so hard on my journal entries for transcript notation for my MS internship, but I got the TN for it. so all's good. and I believe I did not even start packing until that night when Jovita came over, gave her cookies that I baked with Adrianna and Lauren. then Jo went to party, leaving me to pack. phone call with Jessica who was probably buzzed (to say the least). that night, travis's buddies Mike & some other dude slept in the living room. I'm quite proud that I stayed up until 4 in the morning packing up my entire room into boxes, got up at like 7:50 ish. parentals arrived 8am, got to campus by around 8:30 ish...I DO NOT remember why the fuck it took us so long. graduated that day. mommy and daddy paid for lunch w/ friends.
I was a bum at home for like...3 weeks, tension with eric, but I selfishly ignored his whining, because come July I was OFF TO FRANCE. WHOO! so amazing, I have to do that again. 4 short weeks of wine tastings, gorgeous views, escargot, SINGLE dorm room, private bathroom, weekend in Paree, 4 day trip to south of France, along Rhone River, tanning on gorgeous beaches, practically living on that blue tour bus & crashing in hotels that Pascal organized for us, bless his kind, loving soul. He's probably one of the most genuinely selfless people in this world. I seriously believed that it meant a lot to him personally to make sure that we were enjoying our stay in Dijon and everywhere else we went. *sighs* reminiscing about Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Chablis (especially the one we had on the farewell dinner, THAT was a good Chablis, given my itty bitty knowledge about wine), Gamay (oh Beaujolais, gorgeous place)...ok too much info overload about my awesome month, that deserves more thought on its own separate topic, because I want it to be something that I remember forever. end of July fly home and I still can't believe that Paris hotel --> shuttle to the airport --> FUCKING AIRPORT SECURITY WASTING MY TIME --> flight to ATL, Georgia with Heineken no charge AWESOME --> MORE FUCKING AIRPORT SECURITY, good thing that airport was so hectic that getting through customs was no problemo at all with the exception of those ridiculously long lines and an obviously short-staffed operation --> ATL flight to SF and transfer of luggage was a BREEEEEEEEEEZE and FINALLY arrival in SF, stupid Delta took forever disbursing the luggage, talking about how it was due to the delay of the flight WHATEVER, cuz it was their fault for overbooking on purpose in case people decide to cancel their flights last minute (RIDICULOUS, no logic to that method). parentals couldn't find me...OF COURSE..incompetence all around *sighs* and all of that was a ridiculous 24 hours in transit.
Surprisingly the night after that I was getting into a car w/ Adrianna, her driving me to Davis for summer session Deux. and we were joined by Tani the following week. 6 weeks of Mon/Wed night class. I'm glad I met Tani, she's pretty cool. Remembering all of this makes me think of everyone I'll miss, including Wendy, my awesome travel buddy (despite our few run-ins we had with each other). and though i initially thought it was weird that Tim stayed throughout his entire lease even though he had no obligations in Davis, I'm kind of glad he did. I didn't get to know him very well during the school year, but those last few weeks of hanging out with him made me feel like we really are best friends (even though that's just a joke that he started).
Finished that last class ARE 112 (I should have studied hard and aimed for that A. It really doesn't matter, but I regret not giving it my best shot, because I pride myself in being a hard worker.)SO VERY grateful for mom and dad for driving up TWICE to help me move furniture back home and drive me home, even though it was THEIR idea to keep all that furniture, which we don't even have room for in the house. oh yeah also grateful to tim for helping me throw away my mattress base, and I even sort of had fun helping him throw away his furniture on that hot summer day. It was a good workout. I have the strength to drag a mattress about a block. yay me! but summer's over...I'm glad I got to go swimming in davis with Adi and Tani and stupidly kept those keys UGH...need to return to them ASAP. even kind of glad I got to know Judy a little better despite the WEIRD circumstances that she's Tim's ex now...like wow everything changes so fast. saw my very first Giants game (how nice of Jeff to give me those tickets) and 1st time in sausalito with Eric. that was a fun weekend =] (Even though it was fun, it was that same weekend that I decided I needed to take a break from him.)
and now I'm the new file clerk at Property Management Systems, getting paid a measly $11/hr. for 30 hours a week. *sighs* just for now though!
and I just survived the first week. Bless Anisah for telling me that I'm too smart to be doing filing. It was depressing to hear initially, but I think after hearing it, it just gives me even more drive to do more with my life. Well all those 'things to do' on top kinda tough to do them all at once, but I'll do all of them eventually. I have a bachelors' in Managerial Economics and minors in Chinese and Psychology. I think the world is my oyster haha, I want to do a million things and I think it's possible.
wow writing this one out made me feel better.
I'm a blogger....WOW...yes I'm shocked

the battle's almost won...and we're only 7 miles from the sun...

ok more to spew out...I'm surprised I have so much to say especially after the last blog, but I don't want to put it off while my head is still overflowing...
things to do:
1) figure out this jury duty crap. ugh freaking shit, civil duty my ass.
alright, read that letter, follow directions...if need to show up, then I need to call the office and take days off, BOO that sucks, really need to get that loan paid off! ERGH
2) Get Jerad to help me figure out how to add to the morgan stanley group on linkedin. also need to add Mr. Jeffrey Won - senior VP...hey look at that we have the same initials (if only that meant good things for me career-wise)
3) upload all pictures from France onto SONY flash drive to give to momma and daddy. I'm a terrible daughter for putting it off so long
4)SERIOUSLY organize all the crap in this room. and to think I already did it in June. who knew I had SO MUCH STUFF? what happened to the 16-year-old me who could survive on the same pair of jeans for days because we were SERIOUSLY broke? in my defense, parental units have a SERIOUS amount of shit stored up in my room
4-1) possibly make another trip to Goodwill
Stuff I need to Locate:
1) Curling iron
2) Hair-tie contraption that I use to make perfect (nearly) buns

I don't know what it is. I just canNOT seem to get along with Eric anymore. one second we're having a conversation, and everything is fine and we're enjoying ourselves, and then next thing I know I feel annoyed and exasperated and can't wait to get away from him. I can admit that I'm at fault for some of the arguments but I don't know if I want to keep trying to make this work. But what do I do? Here is where a magic 8 ball would come in handy.
I'm too much of a coward to do anything, at least for now. If only someone had a definite right answer and would make the decision for me. yuck, that would make me weak. If anything, what I know is that I'm most afraid of losing the guy who's been my best friend for the past few years. I always think of things I want to tell Eric, because I'm just so used to telling him everything, and now I'm adjusting to not telling him everything.
a few things I've considered...
1) Eric doesn't want to hear everything that pops into my head. I've been to Europe. I can tell he's still bitter about it, and every time I bring it up, he looks like he can't wait for me to shut up about it.
2) I can't stay in a relationship, because I'm scared of hurting someone, especially someone who's been amazing to me. The point is, no matter how grateful I am for all that he's done for me, emotionally, platonically (not a word, but it should be right?), romantically, financially -.-, grateful is not what keeps a relationship. There has to be more than just that, right? I've especially been considering what James said. 'You have to satisfy yourself in a relationship too. Life is too short'
3) The easy thing is probably not the right thing. It'd be easy for me to stay in this relationship or ignore whatever issues we've been having. easy because it'd mean that I wouldn't have to make any hard, life-changing decisions.
4) Over the past few years, I've come to think of Eric as my best friend and he's sort of an integrated part of my life. I can't really imagine not having him around. I think about everything that we do together. It'd be weird eating at our usual spots or visiting the places that we go to with someone else.
5) Money issues, he practically supports me. This is not what I want for myself. How did I let myself get a financial crutch? Well, this is a definite change I need to make, starting with paying off my loan on my own.
6) I'm pretty sure Eric and I not getting along MUST be apparent to him, but it also appears that he's probably not going to do anything about it. Guys are even bigger wimps than gals. If there are any tough decisions to make, I think I'll have to be the one who makes it...lucky me, I'll have to be the bad guy.
*sighs* kind of hard for me to admit, but I'll miss Eric's friends, our mutual friends. Since I haven't been in San Francisco all that often, so they're not really MY friends, and those few mutual buddies (...like Johnson) who I talked to in high school...honestly, they're more Eric's friends than they are mine. As for everyone else...if Eric and I break up, I will most likely never see them again, and they're such nice people.
I'm just being brutally honest with myself at this point, no point in beating around the bush, it's not like anyone else will be reading this. I'm finally committing all my scary thoughts in print, so that I see the words in front of me, and I can't ignore it anymore.
oh yeah, more brutal honesty...I might have been subconsciously staying with Eric, because he's smarter than me. As much as he might respect me, he probably knows it, but too much of a wuss to say it to my face. I might have subconsciously been sticking around hoping to absorb his intelligence and learn the things that he knows. but seriously now, when we're together, it's our free time, and we don't make the time for me to learn what he knows, whatever it may be...mostly geeky computer stuff. But I have to be intelligent and independent enough to go learn it myself if I really want to pick up these skills...
ok...enough of my stupid relationship drama for now. I think I've drained myself of all the the thoughts I have on this topic.
and oh...4 years and 9 months ... jeez, it's no wonder I'm so scared. How do I go about putting an end to something I've had for so long? What the hell happened? I honestly do believe we were in love. Everything used to feel so perfect, no question about it.
... and now? what the hell do I know?

out of college...

I can't believe I'm no longer an undergrad, while most of my friends, or colleagues will be starting fall quarter this time next week. well either that, or participating in the UC-wide walkout protesting tuition hikes. I'm so glad for that UC grant. If I didn't get even that little bit of aid, I'd be up to my neck in loans.
So I just got through my first week of my crappy job as a file clerk at a crappy location. I guess it's not as bad as I anticipated it to be. Boring of course. I wish it weren't so...suffocating...if only we could open a couple of windows or...SOMETHING. whatever that's not so important.
I feel like I should be doing more with my life. After all, I DO have a degree now. I shouldn't complain. A lot of recent post grads are probably going through the same thing, unless they graduated from UC Berkeley or Harvard or something. Sad truth is, there's not much that separates all of us. Most of us are college-educated, bright people who COULD be doing better...and here I am complaining about it in my silly blog. Well I can't give up. It's only been a week. I need to keep looking ... I hope I don't miss out on anything that could potentially be a step up.
I also hope this crappy sitting job doesn't make me gain weight. well I guess that's not too much of a possibility, since I'm too poor to buy food and I don't do a lot of sitting at my job...too much walking around and sometimes...lifting...which I am grateful to do, because sitting for 8 hours a day SUCKS ASS, and I don't even exercise, since all I want to do when I get home is knock out and when I wake up, I only have time to eat dinner, take a shower, go to sleep, and get ready for the next life-draining day.
I hope this doesn't sound too cocky, but I feel like I have too much potential, and I'm too smart and too ambitious to get stuck in this crappy position. At least I have a job?
More to spew out of my little head later on... I'm leaving my comfy bed for now.
no less confused than when I sat down

sometimes i wonder why parents exist. to drive their child(ren) nuts. so the maternal parental unit claims I should go study abroad, it's for my own good, yadda yadda yadda, how can I not take control of my own future? nay, she begins her tirade, screaming at me for not doing more with my life, demanding to know what the hell I plan to do after graduation. BLAH BLAH BLAH she claims she doesn't want me to end up like her, well given her occupational history of a series of meaningless odd jobs and lay-offs, why would I, let alone, anyone in the world, want to end up like her? not to mention the constant bickering she does with the paternal parental unit. Now, I know that at the time she was demanding I travel abroad just because she had recently been laid off, so she was taking it all out on me, just looking for a reason to scream and bicker with me, for no good reason, demanding I must take control of my future. SO RIDICULOUS.
now that I am just a few months away from actually TRAVELING ABROAD, she claims to be shocked at how expensive these costs are. I swear she is a child. She challenges me, claiming that these study abroad programs are only for students to go play. well, obviously, they are! and she asks me if I really HAVE TO GO. at this point, I have already shelled out the $300 deposit, I inform her, so I ask, no I demand that both parental units must make a decision immediately make a decision, before we have to pay anymore fees. Of course, they don't intend to make any decision, but they say I need to decide for myself, which is what I've been doing my whole life. If that is indeed the plan that we're going to go with, then why must they fight me along every single step? It is so aggravating, sometimes I wish my parents acted like adults!
Of course, I can't openly yell and scream like I want to on the inside, but I must try to remain as civil as I can without exploding, because these are the people who have raised me, given me life, helped me get through college, WHATEVER. I am still entitled to how I feel right now, which is pure irritation.
I suppose if I decide to actually cancel this summer program, I can graduate 1 month earlier, if I take an earlier summer session to complete my major requirements. It's expensive, of course it is. How could anyone not expect that?? It would certainly make the boyfriend happy to know that I won't be going anywhere, because I won't be able to do something I had really wanted to do. since when am I supposed to make decisions for myself, based on other people's happiness?
Furthermore, practically everyone already knows I had intended to go away this summer. It would be a monumental disappoint for me to have to inform those around me that I am, in fact, not going anywhere, like I had wanted to, that's another stupid reason, of course it is, but that's how I feel. one of those disappointments that you don't want the world to know about, but you're forced to let them know about it. It's especially aggravating when I can't even back this up with a good reason. I would have to simply explain that my parents changed their mind, but why?? HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW WHY? and HOW THE FUCK CAN I KNOW HOW MY PARENTS DECIDE ANYTHING? the idiots they are...
You know what? I think I have already made my decision, long ago. This is something I had always wanted to do. I put the process in motion and if I really want to, I will just have to take out a small fortune of a loan, and pay it off after I graduate. I am a humble person, and I am willing to work minimum wage to pay off that loan if I have to. However, I sure hope that that is not the predicament that I will have to be stuck in after I earn a degree. That would be the largest disappointment of all. I don't see how anything could be more disappointing than that.
I can't be dragged in opposite decisions based on what other people think. That's going to happen the rest of my life, so why even let it bother me?

almost time to get back to responsibility. just when i think this time around, I've given myself a lighter load, I tend to drift towards more challenges. maybe that's just my nature. free time is overrated anyway.
right now, I feel like there are things I want, but things that shouldn't really be important to me. I guess, what I mean is, I'm shallow, selfish, and possibly greedy. It's not enough for me to have just one internship that looks good on my record, but I also need one for money. Of course I need money, who doesn't? With graduation just right around the corner, and a bunch of expenses I have yet to cover, I don't know what I want to do or what I should do. Of course I think i am capable of paying off a small loan on my own. Do I want to? Do I need to? It's just yet another thing on the list of things to tackle.
Rent the cap and gown, just place the order already, what am I waiting for? What's stopping me? Compared to everything else, this measly thirty or so bucks is nothing, but every time I'm about to place the order, I feel like...'ehh not yet, it can wait.'

The greedy side of me has a shoe addiction. I thought that it hasn't been that bad recently, but it's getting warmer, I am drifting towards the new creations this season has to offer. I've sort of been looking for wraparound boots to wear before the summer rolls in, but I can't seem to find the right pair that I want. I've also been looking at wedges and flats that may be appropriate for work purposes, and also suitable for everyday wear.
Also, graduating and looking for a job after this summer is just an excuse for me to want to buy stuff, stuff I don't need.
Enough of that, can't touch the what little is left in my bank account.
This summer abroad thing may cost me nearly $8000, hopefully my cheap side can help me cut that down.
a near $1000 for one last class to finish the major this summer. I find that fucking ridiculous, when my tuition per quarter for the regular school year is just a little over $1000. I only need one more class. It makes me so frustrated to think that I can't do anything about that figure.
I know I should let it go, that's the progressive thing to do, but I will always regret taking Personal Finance. Who would have known that it would not count for my major? It's not as if I need 3 useless units? *sighs* what a waste. If it weren't for that waste of a class, I could have taken something else that quarter. Then I would not have to sign up for this one class this summer.
Furthermore, education nowadays is just pure extortion. What the fuck is a campus fee? What the fuck is the point of a clicker? Extortion, that's what. It's not as if the quality of education is keeping up with the increase of fees, even if you factor out the general increase of inflation.
I may have to be reduced to taking out my first student loan. Just wonderful.
Not to mention rent, which I will have to cover for the next few months
$500 x 4 more months = $2000
This estimate comes to a total of $11,000.
Can you say extortion?

Ok I've depressed myself enough for today. Time to shower and get going.

I love Eric. I can't live without him. Can I? Sometimes, I think he's the only one who understands me, the only person I have in this world. Other times, it's like I don't know how to deal with him. Why does he have to fight me on this?
It's only for four weeks.
But then again, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He was never in favor of me doing anything without him.
It's just not fair.
If our relationship ends, do I move on? Start over on my own...I don't know if I know how to do that. I can't believe I've been leaning on him for so long. I NEED him. Why can't he need me?

I feel really lonely right now. It's like there are so many things in this world I want to do, but it's sort of scary to try new things alone. Sometimes when I want to try new things, certain people don't support me in my decisions. Other people try to push me to go in their direction.
I want to know what it's like to know what I want, go for it, and not have any regrets, and not have to feel any guilt about it. We learn not to be selfish, but we also learn that our job is to live for ourselves, not try to satisfy other people. What does any of that really mean? So I'm supposed to listen to my head, and follow my heart. Sounds like crap.
Do I choose to be with someone, because I'm afraid to be alone? Do I try to ignore what I want? What's more important to me? Can we really have it all?
If there's someone who's done so much for me, do I owe them everything? I'm so confused.
In a few months, I'll graduate. I'm supposed to find an internship, a job, a career, study for the GMAT, apply to grad school. I think I really am going to miss it here. I have my privacy, my freedom, peace of mind. Pretty soon, I won't have any of that. I can't think about all of that at the same time. I just need to focus on finishing my degrees at the moment. But if I focus too much on that, I'll end up forgoing a lot of opportunities in the future. I probably already have let too much slip past me. Too much is going on at home too. My family needs to retire. Retirement plans... are there any? I need to start becoming a breadwinner. Whoever came up with that term? Time is running out.
Where are you when I need you so much? If I choose to leave, will you be here when I come back?
I don't want to be cruel or selfish, but I have to make a decision for myself. I'm just a kid though. When did I grow up? When will I grow up, if ever?

Sometimes

Sometimes, life feels hopeless. I’m sure much of the nation feels that way right now. Heck, maybe even the whole world. Some people go through tragedy with more… ability, than others. Our job is to find ways to adapt, defend ourselves, or just find a way to trudge on. The truth is, with or without a job, life is rough. The people in your life that cause you pain are usually the people you rely on. Is that irony or is that just sick? The people that don’t need to rely on anyone usually end up alone, and bitter.
Why are parents so hard to get along with? Why do they have to compare their own child(ren) to every other kid out there? Even when we’re not kids anymore, they still treat us like kids, not because we were the infants they once held, but because they can’t seem to start respecting us adults when we finally grow up. We can’t get along with them when we’re kids, because we’re not old enough to understand the world. Once we began to understand the world, they treat us as if we’ll never understand the world, or better yet, they treat us as if we will never understand them. The bitterness I feel is that parents never seem to understand their child(ren). Let me just be real honest (with myself). My parents will never understand me. The language barrier I face with them, the generation gap, their mindset and mine, we will never cross paths. The few times we do get along, the encounters feel shallow and brief. That sort of encounter is what we’re comfortable with. We probably can’t hope for anything better, nor do we strive for better. Yet, we both know we’re unhappy with each other. I just choose not to mention my unhappiness. Why bring up that sort of bitterness? Yet, my parents choose to bring up my “shortcomings” whenever they feel they “can’t take it anymore” (“shi zai shou bu liao le”). Well, I can’t take it anymore either, but I feel I must endure it all. Someone’s got to give, right?
Yet, they'll never be satisfied. It never seems enough. I think I'll always be their 'unfinished product.' When they speak to me or look at me, I'll be made to feel incomplete. At least, I'll be aware of what my shortcomings are, in their eyes. Criticism is supposed to toughen you up in life. Without it, we all go along blissfully ignorant. I do miss the days of my childhood when I was ignorant of how the world works. However, I wasn't all that happy at the time either. Even then, I constantly felt compared to other kids. I just didn't care as much if I didn't measure up. As I got older, it did bother me. How can I try so hard and still not measure up, to someone else's standards? Now, I know, I may never measure up. That's just a pill we all have to swallow.
Just keep trudging on.

On a separate note, the amount of people being laid off out there just grows and grows. I really think all these stimulus checks are just another way to take the easy way out, another short-term remedy to bite us in the ass years down the line. Keep passing along the debt to future generations. If there's one thing the humans know how to do, it's popping out children. Sidebar: I don't understand the 'need' to bear children. If children are so disappointing, and so much turmoil arises from creating a family, what is the point? Anyways, as long as the world can breed, there is someone else to handle all the money we have borrowed in the past, present, and future.
Instead, can't we think of a way to create more jobs? If we can somehow repair the job market and rebuild the value of savings, then we might not be in the mess. If we can help people earn consistent paychecks, they will start buying things. This will stimulate commerce. If we continue borrowing, won't we just dig ourselves deeper and deeper into a depression, as we have been doing for what seems like, what, a decade, or forever now?