I feel really lonely right now. It's like there are so many things in this world I want to do, but it's sort of scary to try new things alone. Sometimes when I want to try new things, certain people don't support me in my decisions. Other people try to push me to go in their direction.
I want to know what it's like to know what I want, go for it, and not have any regrets, and not have to feel any guilt about it. We learn not to be selfish, but we also learn that our job is to live for ourselves, not try to satisfy other people. What does any of that really mean? So I'm supposed to listen to my head, and follow my heart. Sounds like crap.
Do I choose to be with someone, because I'm afraid to be alone? Do I try to ignore what I want? What's more important to me? Can we really have it all?
If there's someone who's done so much for me, do I owe them everything? I'm so confused.
In a few months, I'll graduate. I'm supposed to find an internship, a job, a career, study for the GMAT, apply to grad school. I think I really am going to miss it here. I have my privacy, my freedom, peace of mind. Pretty soon, I won't have any of that. I can't think about all of that at the same time. I just need to focus on finishing my degrees at the moment. But if I focus too much on that, I'll end up forgoing a lot of opportunities in the future. I probably already have let too much slip past me. Too much is going on at home too. My family needs to retire. Retirement plans... are there any? I need to start becoming a breadwinner. Whoever came up with that term? Time is running out.
Where are you when I need you so much? If I choose to leave, will you be here when I come back?
I don't want to be cruel or selfish, but I have to make a decision for myself. I'm just a kid though. When did I grow up? When will I grow up, if ever?