I recall much of what I've been through seems to be what I'm going through right now. Deja vu. The familiarity of the feelings, emotions, even the sequence of events is starting to freak me out. I start to wonder if what I'm doing is ... right for me? Or maybe I'm getting carried away...again. How am I supposed to know the difference?

If things were a little different, I think I'd do fine on my own. A guy is not necessary.

But who knows? Somehow, things turned out this way.

Why am I going down the same road I went down years ago? or am I? Is it always like this? or is it always like this with me?

Dear Xanga and Blogger,
Thank you for providing me an outlet to relieve my frustrations. I've never been able to keep a journal or diary or whatever. Every time I tried I ended up losing interest, because it got boring. But with this, I feel like I don't lose interest in putting my thoughts down, for now at least. I hope I keep it up, because it's nice to see where I've been and what I've gone through.
As for New Year's resolutions:
1) I need to stop being so absentminded. If I try to be a neater person, then maybe I'll be better at holding onto my stuff. I am very sad about losing my camera, because it was my birthday present for when I turned 19 from my parents. I can't believe I only managed to hold onto it for 3 years. I was just using it yesterday and it seems I most likely lost it in In n Out. I'm pretty mad at myself about it. Even though it's not the best camera out there and the 6MP point-and-shoot is definitely outdated technology, it definitely holds sentimental value to me. I remember using it for nearly all of my special occasions and vacations and outings or whatever. It most likely fell into some unsavory character's hands and they're making use of my device now. I'm also sad, because I have an MS Pro Duo USB reader, which has now been rendered useless, as well as the battery chargers and car charger. I am mostly sad about losing the camera carrying case, because it was so versatile for carrying most hand-held-sized electronics and because my mom bought it for me from China, so it was definitely a good bargain. I'm usually saddest about losing things that are good deals.
So now, on top of all the other important things I need to pay for, I need to buy myself a new camera. Ok, not really NEED, but I want a new one and I guess I was due for a new one anyway. Or that's just what I tell myself to get over this little mini-tragedy of mine. I hope I find a good deal on the Canon S90. I'm not willing to pay $400 for a camera. I'm not a professional photographer. I am still praying that my Sony DSC-W50 finds its way back to me. Most of all, I wish I would stop being so absentminded and be able to hold onto my property. I blame my mom for passing on her harebrainededness to me. I blame myself more, because I need to be more responsible with my stuff! I get sad about losing stuff no matter what it is and I feel happy about holding onto stuff for a long time. I've had my red Jansport backpack since I was in the 5th grade and that makes me feel proud of myself, because I didn't lose it and it's still in workable condition. I wish I could keep all useful things and not end up losing them, because it saves me a lot of money and it makes me less of an absentminded idiot. Losing gifts make me feel bad. Every gift has some sort of a story and contains history. Losing pieces of my past makes me worry that I'll eventually forget everything I've been through. As for everything else, it's all clutter and I'm going through a long-term process of getting rid of STUFF.
2) Be more diligent about goals. Stop slacking off!
3) Maintain a regular exercise regimen. Maybe I'll go to the gym and swim every other day and try jogging when it's sunny. A few push-ups and crunches, here and there.
4) Focus my energy on MYSELF and not so much on what could have been, what might have been or why things couldn't have been. Whatever, I'm young. This is the time to be selfish, or if I were to sugarcoat it, focus on myself and be 'independent.' It's all about using the right words to twist situations in our own favors.
Besides, why make someone a priority when they only consider you an option? I think I'm worth more than that. I mean, I AM worth more than that.

I want it all and I hope I get it someday.

2010 baby

so a 2009 recap:
I started off this year very unsure of myself. I kind of knew I would graduate early, because I was running out of classes to take, but I thought MAYBE...just maybe I might stay in school longer because I had no plans for what I would do afterwards. Then the idea of not having to sign another lease in cowtown was far too appealing for me to pass up. That is like saving $6000, at the very least. So, in the beginning of Spring Quarter, I was more sure of what would happen with the remainder of my undergrad career. I filed those papers for summer graduate and spring commencements.
I guess I was so unsure of myself, because I knew that I still had quite a few classes to take before I'd be done with my major and taking on two minors didn't really help my situation. Since I'm a very determined person, or stubborn - depends how you look at it, I decided to try to take on 5 classes in Winter Quarter, for the first time in college. I knew that I could survive it, but I didn't want to kill myself and end up killing my GPA. Still hesitant because I had never taken more than 4 classes in college before, but more stubborn than hesitant, I decided to go for it and I actually ended up with all A's. It wasn't that hard because Travis basically gave me all the answer keys to the ARE 143 Investments class. Nut 10 was a breeze, but for some reason I actually ended up studying a lot for the class, even though Travis also gave me the old final, which was very much like having the answer key to the final I took. I'm glad I took Nut 10 seriously. I did learn a lot about living and eating right.
I was a little more sure of myself in Spring Quarter, academically at least. I remember I could't figure out what class to take to finish my Chinese minor. So I signed up for some Asian art history class and Modern Chinese literature class. They both sounded equally interesting and also irritating. So there I was with...6 classes? I think 4 or 5 of them were tues/thurs classes. So for the first week, I was trying to figure out which class to drop and I ended up going to school from 9am - 8pm. Eventually I dropped the art history class, freeing up my schedule a little bit.
So, there I was, my last Spring Quarter at Davis. I was taking 20 units and I did the Morgan Stanley internship in Sac that practically everyone does. I only wanted to put a line on my resume. I really don't think I gained any valuable experience or learned anything useful, but whatever. That was when I met Jerad, who ended up driving us to Sac every Wednesday. How nice of him. If I didn't live one block away from him, I'd feel more guilty about it.
Wendy and I started bonding and we decided to go to "study" abroad in France. If she hadn't been so adamant about it, I wonder if I still would have went. I'd like to think that I'm independent and I go after what I want, but I'm really not so sure I'd still hike my ass across the world on my own. Still, I had wanted to go to Europe for a long time.
It wasn't that long ago that Eric and I were considering going to Italy for Fall Semester 2009. I think we both knew that was a far-fetched idea that would not pan out. So when I decided I was going without him, I knew he wouldn't be happy about it, but I just didn't really care anymore. I wasn't even feeling guilty anymore. It was something I had wanted for a while and I was finally deciding to go through with it. I just wanted him to say that he'd miss me and be happy for me. Is that really so much to ask for? I guess I didn't care anymore, because I never really felt like he supported me in what I wanted to do. If I went somewhere without him, he said he felt left out. If I were to socialize with the opposite sex, he gave off a suspicious vibe. That was so weird, because I never gave any indication that I was the cheating type. When I mentioned graduating a year early, he turned the conversation around back to him, complaining about how overcrowded SFSU is, preventing him from graduating early. I never knew why he was so adamant about getting out early, forcing himself to take on heavy course loads while working over 30 hours a week. I understood that he was insistent about moving away from his unhappy situation at home, but sometimes I felt like he was just trying to compete with me. I hate competition, especially when it's against someone you're supposedly really close to. It sort of ruins the relationship. Oh yeah, when I told him I was going to France, he reacted in a negative way. I expected that. After he got over his initial anger, he told me he was going to grad school immediately after college. I was surprised, a little jealous and upset, because we had discussed going to the same grad school together. I should have known that planning too far in advance never pans out. I was also sort of doubtful of his proclamation, because even though he's had a few years of professional work experience, something I gave up, when I decided to go to Davis, the land of lack of opportunity (as far as business goes), I was sort of doubtful, because he didn't really have any experience outside of administrative duties. I didn't tell him this, because I'd sound very un-supportive. When I told him how disappointed I was about not going to school together, he suggested that I follow him to grad school, and work before applying to grad school myself. This was like the most...ludicrous idea I had ever heard. I would never, in a million years, imagine myself following a guy instead of pursuing my own goals. So that was when we started to fall apart, I guess. Anyway, our so-called solid relationship has disintegrated now and we haven't been in each other's lives for months, so broken plans and memories of the past really don't matter anymore.
Hrm...what else happened?
Within the last few months of school, I got really close to some people, mostly the people I took classes with and the people I lived with and those I occasionally reunited with and/or met at MS. I'd rather not name them, because I know I'll go off on a tangent...and also because I hope I'm a good enough person that I'll remember them without having to put it in print. At the same time, I also drifted apart from some people. I guess that will always happen. It's hard to make an effort to see everyone frequently. A lot of times, people walk in and out of our lives. I'm not going to get too sad about it, because there's not much I can do about it. Distance makes people grow apart.
So...I filed for commencements after I discussed it with my parents. I felt like they should have a say in how I end my undergraduate career. Much to my surprise, they actually insisted that I participate in the ceremony. I was like '...uhh what? you guys actually want to drive up to Davis in the summer? Sit in some crappy pavilion when I just walk across the stage for 2 seconds?' The parentals actually said something profound. This doesn't happen very often, so I think I need to recall what they said and write it down, make a record of it happening. I think my parents said that every milestone or achievement should be celebrated, because they're important. Okay I don't really remember, because it happened months ago and I'm loosely translating whatever the hell they said to me. I actually really didn't want to go through with it, because I really didn't think anybody would show up to see me graduate. Also, because I think my parents are super embarrassing. It's like they are not aware that they're belligerent behavior is not acceptable in public. They can also be pretty ignorant of how to follow procedures. I feel like I always have to direct them to where they have to go and what to do...blah. Lastly, I just really didn't want to have to waste my time to rent a cap and gown for $30 to wear for 2 hours and get commencement tickets. The night before commencements, Jovita said 'But all of that crap has been done and all that's left is for you to enjoy it.' I don't know if I actually enjoyed it, but I'm glad it's over. My parents did drive me crazy on that day. It's over. whoop dee doo.
So after the ceremony, I had 3 weeks of break. Then I went to France. I came back to Davis for SSII to take one class, moved out of my apartment, worked at a shitty place for two months, broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 5 years. Then I was a bum for nearly 2 months and something very strange and wonderful developed with the most unlikeliest of people. (=]).
I also sent out my resume to the world. I'm glad I finally got hired. This is in no way, whatsoever, my dream job, but at least it's a start. I'll be glad to be working soon.
New year, new job, new life. I'm not saying that things are finally turning around and I'm ecstatic about life right now. But things seem to be looking up. I'm going to try to appreciate it and not take anything for granted. I said 'try,' because it's hard to remember EVERYTHING that goes on in a day, much less a lifetime. I'm going to put my efforts into moving on and building a foundation for my future. Looking back makes me think that 2009 was one of my more crazy years. Seems appropriate as it was rather a crazy year for the nation, and the universe as a whole. Like that song says...'It's a brand new da-ay.' 2010 looks promising. Here's to a new year of hopes, goals, growing up, maturing and all that good shit.