I'm SO ambitious...a milli a milli THINGS TO DO

yet another one right after the other, I'm crazy I know... but I just feel like I want them all to be separate, because they're all separate topics. Actually the title of the previous one goes better here
JOB Search Stuff to Do
1) Apply to all those places on ICC
2) " " Careerbuilder.com
3) more search on craiglist, I suppose

oh yeah, I guess I can also look up big giant office buildings addresses on google maps, and then it gives me a listing of the companies that preside in those locations. search up those companies and see if they're hiring.

STUDY! (Seriously, I think I forgot how to study haha. I need to get in touch with the old me, the me just a few months ago who would fight tooth and nail to get that A over an A-)
GMAT
CPA
CFA
eventually...down the road...series 7, 63...etcetera

I still REALLY want to take classes at CCSF to pick up skills, for fun, etc.
Accounting classes
excel
quickbooks
kickboxing (and maybe just go down the list and do every single p.e. class)
cantonese, spanish, french (I am interested in getting certificates in languages like Jeff Li was telling me about, seems really useful, but only if I keep practicing what I learn, which is sort of unlikely)
dance class
vocal music
graphic design, web design, etc. (potentially anything that will make me more creative, more tech savvy, etc.)

I want to upgrade my operating system, cuz Windows 2003 is ANCIENT. damn that's embarrassing and also something that I had wanted Eric to do for me...jeez I need to learn how to do things on MY OWN. I'd also like to learn Photoshop, Illustrator...I just want to do EVERYTHING

EXERCISE
UCSF - I need to create some sort of fake student schedule, claim that I lost my student ID to get a temporary free gym membership lol the things that Jimmy does, I still can't believe it worked for him. I can't believe I'm considering pulling the same scam.
but if I'm going to start taking p.e. classes at CCSF, then I might not have to do this. meanwhile...before spring semester
I need to perk up my energy levels
wear comfortable shoes (carry a pair of heels or flats) to work, so that I can walk home from work. a good long walk every day = major healthy, active points
On nice warm days, I should jog on the boulevard, build my endurance. I HATE to run *sighs* but I need to. so glad I no longer have to run the mile, but sad that nobody forces me to exercise.
so to summarize..I WANT to do this:
Every night 10 push-ups, 30 sit-ups
jog on sunny days - free time
Mon - Thur: walk home from work

I wish there was somewhere where I could swim. Sava is a potential possibility, but I doubt I'd have the courage to go there by myself. I bet there's a bajillion high school kids there...
[*sighs* more and more, I find myself so lonely and friendless, but I'll save that for another time, another topic. (why am I such a stickler for organization when I know that my thoughts are anything but neat and organized?)]

and...other than this...fitness regime that I WANT to stick to...I need to eat healthy meals...but BLAH...I love to eat junk. It's harder now that I'm not the one buying groceries for myself...oh, the perils of moving home. I miss buying red leaf lettuce, juicy fat tomatoes, sea salt croûton, et cetera...

WHAT ELSE IS ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO??? I don't know, but if it comes to mind, I need to write it in here so that it'll all stay in one ... source (?) or whatever

I can't believe it. The past few months have been whizzing by crazy fast.
I thought it was pretty insane after I finished Spring Quarter. I remember biking home that Thursday night, coming home to an empty house and nobody around to congratulate me on my bike ride. Then I cooked (I think) some fried rice. Was it that night that Travis bought strawberry ice cream and we had a short ice cream conversation in the kitchen? then I just wasted a lot of time watching tv, I think...I believe Tim came home, ate some of my food on the stove prior to me putting it away.
On Friday, I don't know why I worked so hard on my journal entries for transcript notation for my MS internship, but I got the TN for it. so all's good. and I believe I did not even start packing until that night when Jovita came over, gave her cookies that I baked with Adrianna and Lauren. then Jo went to party, leaving me to pack. phone call with Jessica who was probably buzzed (to say the least). that night, travis's buddies Mike & some other dude slept in the living room. I'm quite proud that I stayed up until 4 in the morning packing up my entire room into boxes, got up at like 7:50 ish. parentals arrived 8am, got to campus by around 8:30 ish...I DO NOT remember why the fuck it took us so long. graduated that day. mommy and daddy paid for lunch w/ friends.
I was a bum at home for like...3 weeks, tension with eric, but I selfishly ignored his whining, because come July I was OFF TO FRANCE. WHOO! so amazing, I have to do that again. 4 short weeks of wine tastings, gorgeous views, escargot, SINGLE dorm room, private bathroom, weekend in Paree, 4 day trip to south of France, along Rhone River, tanning on gorgeous beaches, practically living on that blue tour bus & crashing in hotels that Pascal organized for us, bless his kind, loving soul. He's probably one of the most genuinely selfless people in this world. I seriously believed that it meant a lot to him personally to make sure that we were enjoying our stay in Dijon and everywhere else we went. *sighs* reminiscing about Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Chablis (especially the one we had on the farewell dinner, THAT was a good Chablis, given my itty bitty knowledge about wine), Gamay (oh Beaujolais, gorgeous place)...ok too much info overload about my awesome month, that deserves more thought on its own separate topic, because I want it to be something that I remember forever. end of July fly home and I still can't believe that Paris hotel --> shuttle to the airport --> FUCKING AIRPORT SECURITY WASTING MY TIME --> flight to ATL, Georgia with Heineken no charge AWESOME --> MORE FUCKING AIRPORT SECURITY, good thing that airport was so hectic that getting through customs was no problemo at all with the exception of those ridiculously long lines and an obviously short-staffed operation --> ATL flight to SF and transfer of luggage was a BREEEEEEEEEEZE and FINALLY arrival in SF, stupid Delta took forever disbursing the luggage, talking about how it was due to the delay of the flight WHATEVER, cuz it was their fault for overbooking on purpose in case people decide to cancel their flights last minute (RIDICULOUS, no logic to that method). parentals couldn't find me...OF COURSE..incompetence all around *sighs* and all of that was a ridiculous 24 hours in transit.
Surprisingly the night after that I was getting into a car w/ Adrianna, her driving me to Davis for summer session Deux. and we were joined by Tani the following week. 6 weeks of Mon/Wed night class. I'm glad I met Tani, she's pretty cool. Remembering all of this makes me think of everyone I'll miss, including Wendy, my awesome travel buddy (despite our few run-ins we had with each other). and though i initially thought it was weird that Tim stayed throughout his entire lease even though he had no obligations in Davis, I'm kind of glad he did. I didn't get to know him very well during the school year, but those last few weeks of hanging out with him made me feel like we really are best friends (even though that's just a joke that he started).
Finished that last class ARE 112 (I should have studied hard and aimed for that A. It really doesn't matter, but I regret not giving it my best shot, because I pride myself in being a hard worker.)SO VERY grateful for mom and dad for driving up TWICE to help me move furniture back home and drive me home, even though it was THEIR idea to keep all that furniture, which we don't even have room for in the house. oh yeah also grateful to tim for helping me throw away my mattress base, and I even sort of had fun helping him throw away his furniture on that hot summer day. It was a good workout. I have the strength to drag a mattress about a block. yay me! but summer's over...I'm glad I got to go swimming in davis with Adi and Tani and stupidly kept those keys UGH...need to return to them ASAP. even kind of glad I got to know Judy a little better despite the WEIRD circumstances that she's Tim's ex now...like wow everything changes so fast. saw my very first Giants game (how nice of Jeff to give me those tickets) and 1st time in sausalito with Eric. that was a fun weekend =] (Even though it was fun, it was that same weekend that I decided I needed to take a break from him.)
and now I'm the new file clerk at Property Management Systems, getting paid a measly $11/hr. for 30 hours a week. *sighs* just for now though!
and I just survived the first week. Bless Anisah for telling me that I'm too smart to be doing filing. It was depressing to hear initially, but I think after hearing it, it just gives me even more drive to do more with my life. Well all those 'things to do' on top kinda tough to do them all at once, but I'll do all of them eventually. I have a bachelors' in Managerial Economics and minors in Chinese and Psychology. I think the world is my oyster haha, I want to do a million things and I think it's possible.
wow writing this one out made me feel better.
I'm a blogger....WOW...yes I'm shocked

the battle's almost won...and we're only 7 miles from the sun...

ok more to spew out...I'm surprised I have so much to say especially after the last blog, but I don't want to put it off while my head is still overflowing...
things to do:
1) figure out this jury duty crap. ugh freaking shit, civil duty my ass.
alright, read that letter, follow directions...if need to show up, then I need to call the office and take days off, BOO that sucks, really need to get that loan paid off! ERGH
2) Get Jerad to help me figure out how to add to the morgan stanley group on linkedin. also need to add Mr. Jeffrey Won - senior VP...hey look at that we have the same initials (if only that meant good things for me career-wise)
3) upload all pictures from France onto SONY flash drive to give to momma and daddy. I'm a terrible daughter for putting it off so long
4)SERIOUSLY organize all the crap in this room. and to think I already did it in June. who knew I had SO MUCH STUFF? what happened to the 16-year-old me who could survive on the same pair of jeans for days because we were SERIOUSLY broke? in my defense, parental units have a SERIOUS amount of shit stored up in my room
4-1) possibly make another trip to Goodwill
Stuff I need to Locate:
1) Curling iron
2) Hair-tie contraption that I use to make perfect (nearly) buns

I don't know what it is. I just canNOT seem to get along with Eric anymore. one second we're having a conversation, and everything is fine and we're enjoying ourselves, and then next thing I know I feel annoyed and exasperated and can't wait to get away from him. I can admit that I'm at fault for some of the arguments but I don't know if I want to keep trying to make this work. But what do I do? Here is where a magic 8 ball would come in handy.
I'm too much of a coward to do anything, at least for now. If only someone had a definite right answer and would make the decision for me. yuck, that would make me weak. If anything, what I know is that I'm most afraid of losing the guy who's been my best friend for the past few years. I always think of things I want to tell Eric, because I'm just so used to telling him everything, and now I'm adjusting to not telling him everything.
a few things I've considered...
1) Eric doesn't want to hear everything that pops into my head. I've been to Europe. I can tell he's still bitter about it, and every time I bring it up, he looks like he can't wait for me to shut up about it.
2) I can't stay in a relationship, because I'm scared of hurting someone, especially someone who's been amazing to me. The point is, no matter how grateful I am for all that he's done for me, emotionally, platonically (not a word, but it should be right?), romantically, financially -.-, grateful is not what keeps a relationship. There has to be more than just that, right? I've especially been considering what James said. 'You have to satisfy yourself in a relationship too. Life is too short'
3) The easy thing is probably not the right thing. It'd be easy for me to stay in this relationship or ignore whatever issues we've been having. easy because it'd mean that I wouldn't have to make any hard, life-changing decisions.
4) Over the past few years, I've come to think of Eric as my best friend and he's sort of an integrated part of my life. I can't really imagine not having him around. I think about everything that we do together. It'd be weird eating at our usual spots or visiting the places that we go to with someone else.
5) Money issues, he practically supports me. This is not what I want for myself. How did I let myself get a financial crutch? Well, this is a definite change I need to make, starting with paying off my loan on my own.
6) I'm pretty sure Eric and I not getting along MUST be apparent to him, but it also appears that he's probably not going to do anything about it. Guys are even bigger wimps than gals. If there are any tough decisions to make, I think I'll have to be the one who makes it...lucky me, I'll have to be the bad guy.
*sighs* kind of hard for me to admit, but I'll miss Eric's friends, our mutual friends. Since I haven't been in San Francisco all that often, so they're not really MY friends, and those few mutual buddies (...like Johnson) who I talked to in high school...honestly, they're more Eric's friends than they are mine. As for everyone else...if Eric and I break up, I will most likely never see them again, and they're such nice people.
I'm just being brutally honest with myself at this point, no point in beating around the bush, it's not like anyone else will be reading this. I'm finally committing all my scary thoughts in print, so that I see the words in front of me, and I can't ignore it anymore.
oh yeah, more brutal honesty...I might have been subconsciously staying with Eric, because he's smarter than me. As much as he might respect me, he probably knows it, but too much of a wuss to say it to my face. I might have subconsciously been sticking around hoping to absorb his intelligence and learn the things that he knows. but seriously now, when we're together, it's our free time, and we don't make the time for me to learn what he knows, whatever it may be...mostly geeky computer stuff. But I have to be intelligent and independent enough to go learn it myself if I really want to pick up these skills...
ok...enough of my stupid relationship drama for now. I think I've drained myself of all the the thoughts I have on this topic.
and oh...4 years and 9 months ... jeez, it's no wonder I'm so scared. How do I go about putting an end to something I've had for so long? What the hell happened? I honestly do believe we were in love. Everything used to feel so perfect, no question about it.
... and now? what the hell do I know?

out of college...

I can't believe I'm no longer an undergrad, while most of my friends, or colleagues will be starting fall quarter this time next week. well either that, or participating in the UC-wide walkout protesting tuition hikes. I'm so glad for that UC grant. If I didn't get even that little bit of aid, I'd be up to my neck in loans.
So I just got through my first week of my crappy job as a file clerk at a crappy location. I guess it's not as bad as I anticipated it to be. Boring of course. I wish it weren't so...suffocating...if only we could open a couple of windows or...SOMETHING. whatever that's not so important.
I feel like I should be doing more with my life. After all, I DO have a degree now. I shouldn't complain. A lot of recent post grads are probably going through the same thing, unless they graduated from UC Berkeley or Harvard or something. Sad truth is, there's not much that separates all of us. Most of us are college-educated, bright people who COULD be doing better...and here I am complaining about it in my silly blog. Well I can't give up. It's only been a week. I need to keep looking ... I hope I don't miss out on anything that could potentially be a step up.
I also hope this crappy sitting job doesn't make me gain weight. well I guess that's not too much of a possibility, since I'm too poor to buy food and I don't do a lot of sitting at my job...too much walking around and sometimes...lifting...which I am grateful to do, because sitting for 8 hours a day SUCKS ASS, and I don't even exercise, since all I want to do when I get home is knock out and when I wake up, I only have time to eat dinner, take a shower, go to sleep, and get ready for the next life-draining day.
I hope this doesn't sound too cocky, but I feel like I have too much potential, and I'm too smart and too ambitious to get stuck in this crappy position. At least I have a job?
More to spew out of my little head later on... I'm leaving my comfy bed for now.
no less confused than when I sat down