Quando Quando Quando

So this year is almost over. Christmas Eve and Christmas came and went. Christmas Eve used to mean a lot to me. Every year was a milestone and now it means nothing to me. I'm still in shock over everything I've done and everything that's happened to me and how fast it all happened and how quickly it all passed me by. I can't believe I went to a temple on Christmas. Me in a religious setting, of all people... Oakland Temple w/ beautiful lights and view. I guess it was worth the trip with my parents.
I wonder how long I can say I'm still 21. I don't feel any wiser. In fact, I feel more confused than ever.
I believe I want ... affection, I suppose? Yet, I feel like it's too early and too weird to actually be in a relationship. I'm probably driving him crazy. I can tell myself to cut it out, but I can't help it. I probably don't notice I'm a big nutcase until after I've already acted like one. I can say that I don't need to worry about a thing and just go with the flow, but where do you draw the line between stuff that happens to you and letting things happen to you? If I let something happen, isn't that basically a decision I've committed to making? Besides, it's not like there are clear-cut lines that define what is friendship, more than friendship, dating, dating casually, commitments, and all the rest that fall into the huge category of human interaction.

And what do I want anyway? Maybe that's what I need to figure out first. I think that I'm pretty screwed up from what happened to me a few months ago and the huge decision I made to cut ties with the ex afterwards. However...I think I really like this guy, but at the moment I feel very unsure about relationships in general. I'm so confused. I'm going round and round in circles again, always trying to make sense of my own thoughts. Ok... so to recollect what I want and don't want...I think that if I'm not sure about something, I probably shouldn't do it. I've already let too much happen and yet I still call it a non-relationship, because that's what I feel comfortable calling it. I like the hand-holding, and everything else...and I think I would like to see it develop into a positive, healthy relationship...eventually. So I guess I don't want to be without him and yet I cannot commit to him.
I feel like I'm being unfair by wanting him around without him actually being my boyfriend. Still, I gave him the option to date other girls and he said he'd rather wait for me. I don't know if hearing him say all the right words makes things easier or harder for me. They're definitely nice to hear though. How can I feel so happy and so confused and so worrisome at the same time? Here's to hoping I don't screw this up.
When did I start having 'feelings'? I didn't know I was capable of having them...again. I think I'll relieve my conscience by reminding myself that my last relationship was already falling apart long before any of this developed.
I also hope I stop frequently remembering all the old memories of a broken relationship. They pull me to a time in my life that no longer exists.

In a few days it will be a brand new year. I will start a brand new job. I just really hope I'll gain some valuable experience and it will be a positive learning experience. That's most important to me. I've also done some goal-revising. I've basically decided that I don't see accounting in my future. It's a bit too rigid and lifeless for me. I want to try to catch the big fish, all the long-shots that I probably won't get and will probably end up disappointed with myself for trying to get them in the first place.
Another very rough, general outline of what I hope to accomplish in a few years.

- Gain enough professional work experience to apply to graduate schools (3 - 5 years, so they say. *sighs* Oh great...I'll be 25 at the least O.O!)

- Take the GMAT --> That means I really need to crack down on studying.
Finish that test today.
Try to finish one section per month. So that might take me like...5 months?

- CFA LEVEL I --> REGISTER IN FEBRUARY FOR JUNE 2010 EXAM
Finish at least one book per month
If all goes well, Level II Dec 2010, Level III June 2011

- Apply to graduate schools a few years down the line. Hopefully I'll be moved out of here before then. Get into a good MBA program.

- Ultimately, I'd like to get into a topnotch MFE program. A graduate degree that specifically focuses on finance and is math-intensive sounds like it was designed for me. According to the student profile of UCLA's Andersen school, over half of those enrolled already have a graduate degree, so hopefully I can get my MBA degree to get into a good MFE school. which just goes to show that a B.S. in M.E. is useless.
Oh yeah, down the line, I'm going to need to figure out which pre-MFE program classes I need to take. I'm pretty sure that I need to learn C++ and linear algebra. I don't know if the calc and stats classes I took will actually fulfill any requirements.

- Use MFE degree to enter into a fulfilling, satisfying, lifelong career with medical, dental, pension, paid vacations, the works. The ultimate goal.

So for now, I need to focus on the internship and studying. The cash will be good for...
- Buy monthly Fast Pass & pay for phone bill
- Pay off Student Loan by April 2010
(- Pay the ex back for old bills (?))??
- See a dentist. Get rid of cavity -.- --> Make an appointment at UCSF.
- CFA Registration - Pay in February 2010

I'd also like to use my earnings to
- invest in CDs, mutual funds?, maybe look for some bonds, not feeling too good about equities especially when it looks like a good quarter with very few good entry points. as for Alternative Investments, I don't think I make enough money for real estate, hedging, futures, etcetera...
- start putting substantial amount into Roth IRA
- new clothes, maybe...? if there's any cash left...

STUFF I WANT BUT CAN'T HAVE (YET):
- new laptop --> hopefully under $600, preferably HP or Dell w/ Intel processor of at least 1.6GHz, 2 or 3 GB of ram, 250 - 300 GB Hard Drive, built-in webcam, preferably running Windows 7...what more could I ask for? It's not like I do any high-tech stuff. There's really no point in trying to plan for a new laptop. I've already decided I'm not going to buy a new one until I go to school again or until this one breaks down on me. Probably the latter will happen. I'm counting on it.
- MOVE OUT -> gotta get out of HERE. I DO plan to move out within the next year. Here's to hoping my future salary permits me the opportunity to move out of parents' house and into my own apartment closer to work.
- Pay for MBA & MFE on my own or w/ financial aid
- I would like my own car one day...but I guess that's not really on top of my list, because as much as I want one, I can admit that I don't need one. It's not like I can drive to work. Unfeasible, given how costly it is to drive downtown and how much it'd hurt the maintenance of a vehicle and the entire lack of parking and the ridiculous costs of public parking lots. Plus, car insurance is probably something I can't afford.
Oh the perils of a broke person in early 20's living in the city.
I've come a long way in the past few months. Gotta go even further.
and now...I sleep.

Got Mail

2 pieces of mail for me today.

1) My primary care physician, whom I have actually never met, sent me a formal letter informing me, and probably all her other patients, that she will be on maternity leave until May. In all the years that she has been my doctor, I have never been able to get an appointment with her. For someone who is so out of reach, she decides to inform me that she will be reach now. That is...interesting...and strange. But good for her, she'll be a new mother soon.

2) My diploma came. Major in M.E. & Minor in Chinese & Psych & grad. w/ honors, official as of 9/11/2009. I'll remember that date heh. It feels so official, a finite ending. It's not like this signals the end of education, not at all. Actually, it's more like the end of youth. A little piece of paper that says it's time to grow up.

So, starting in January, I'll be working again. At least this time, it's something that is at least related to what I want to do with my life. Plus, the pay is better. I'm happy to move forward. I guess I had a couple of months off and I'm pretty disappointed in myself for not being more productive about it, but there's no point in dwelling over time lost. I need to find some motivation. I'm hoping I'll get it soon. I usually tend to get more accomplished when I feel swamped.

=]

A while ago, a stranger on the N car told me 'This is such a beautiful city.' I guess I'm finally realizing that I sort of take it for granted that I live in this gorgeous town. The rolling hills, parks, views, skyscraping monsters that deck the skyline. Why yes, it is quite a beauty. I need to take more pictures.

I still want to have that picnic at Dolores Park

Today, via public transportation, a stranger asked me for the time and then she went on and on about having to be on time for some meeting. I had trouble paying attention. So to make it seem like I was actually interested in talking to her, I said 'That's a cute dog you have there.' (Not really...a chihuahua with a gold heart around its neck with 'Honey' as the inscription, wearing a bright pink sweater over a blue sweater, and get this...its claws were painted PINK). Stranger's reply 'Thank you, her name is Sweet Honey, because she's so sweet.' I guess it's quite adorable that she loves her dog so much. Everyone's gotta love someone or something, right?

Does love really exist? Pardon me for being a cynic, but sometimes I think love is just a four-letter word cooked up by some geniuses in ancient history who wanted to make money. Think about it. When people say they fall in love, they want to spend time together, paroosing around town, buying each other gifts, items that show sentimental value. And it all costs MONEY. Why don't we have the whole world fall head over heels for each other? Wouldn't that be an economy-stimulator? Consumer spending pushed by LOVE...Aww, how sweet. Right... -.-

It may seem that I have a very negative attitude, and I may be wrong. (Most of the time, I am wrong.) Now, most relationships I see do not last indefinitely. The ones that do last are apparently people who are just fooling themselves. I'm not saying EVERY COUPLE out there is fooling themselves. I'm sure you or your significant other or someone else's lover is, in fact, very much in love. At this point in my life, I just feel that there is no such thing as happily ever after. A couple may be together for a month, a year, or a decade, or share a home and a family. Even then, many couples, especially couples who claim they are 'happily married' still end up broken up, separated, divorced, etc. Nothing is for certain, nothing is guaranteed. Life is an adventure. Today you're strolling down La La Land, and tomorrow you may be filing for divorce.

Now to actually say that the person you are with right now is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. The best thing to do is to just enjoy your happy moments while they last. To expect 'happily ever after' and 'forever' does put a strain on the present. Living in the moment and appreciating the present without expecting too much from the future is the best way to go. Hrm, sounds like I should actually take that bit of advice and apply it to my own life.

What's that saying? Learn from the past, live for the moment, and look towards the future? Something like that. I say learn from the past. Learn from your mistakes, your significant other's mistakes, your friend's mistakes. Just take it all in. Everything you experience or come close to becomes a lesson learned, one way or another. Take in the knowledge and learn from it. If we don't learn, we're really not benefiting from anything.
Live for the moment. Definitely. Once the moment's past, you can't get it back. Do what you love, do it now, and hopefully end up without regrets. =]
As for the future, plan for it. Can't plan for everything. If you do, you'll just end up disappointed. Look forward to it, because hopefully it'll turn out great.




I just heard that on Hulu, the UC DAVIS HEALTH SYSTEM is a SPONSOR. Huh? Correct me if I'm wrong. Sponsors put up cash to get their name out there, like advertising, right? Now, why does the UC Davis Health System need to spend money to put it into some form of entertainment, while tuition hikes are about 32% recently?
The way I see it, the UC Davis Health System is for students, students who don't already have health insurance, members of faculty, etcetera. Other than that, I really don't think that this facility will be getting any more clients. So what is the point in getting their name out there? Nobody else will use these services. Plus, Davis is in the middle of nowhere. Other than by over-enrolling the campus, its population is not going to grow by much. In conclusion, UCD sponsor Hulu...WHY???
But good job to students who demand to know why tuition is skyrocketing, what it is they are actually paying for, and a healthy determination in finding out where their money is going. Power to the people and to education. Seriously, where is this country going if education is falling apart?