Quando Quando Quando

So this year is almost over. Christmas Eve and Christmas came and went. Christmas Eve used to mean a lot to me. Every year was a milestone and now it means nothing to me. I'm still in shock over everything I've done and everything that's happened to me and how fast it all happened and how quickly it all passed me by. I can't believe I went to a temple on Christmas. Me in a religious setting, of all people... Oakland Temple w/ beautiful lights and view. I guess it was worth the trip with my parents.
I wonder how long I can say I'm still 21. I don't feel any wiser. In fact, I feel more confused than ever.
I believe I want ... affection, I suppose? Yet, I feel like it's too early and too weird to actually be in a relationship. I'm probably driving him crazy. I can tell myself to cut it out, but I can't help it. I probably don't notice I'm a big nutcase until after I've already acted like one. I can say that I don't need to worry about a thing and just go with the flow, but where do you draw the line between stuff that happens to you and letting things happen to you? If I let something happen, isn't that basically a decision I've committed to making? Besides, it's not like there are clear-cut lines that define what is friendship, more than friendship, dating, dating casually, commitments, and all the rest that fall into the huge category of human interaction.

And what do I want anyway? Maybe that's what I need to figure out first. I think that I'm pretty screwed up from what happened to me a few months ago and the huge decision I made to cut ties with the ex afterwards. However...I think I really like this guy, but at the moment I feel very unsure about relationships in general. I'm so confused. I'm going round and round in circles again, always trying to make sense of my own thoughts. Ok... so to recollect what I want and don't want...I think that if I'm not sure about something, I probably shouldn't do it. I've already let too much happen and yet I still call it a non-relationship, because that's what I feel comfortable calling it. I like the hand-holding, and everything else...and I think I would like to see it develop into a positive, healthy relationship...eventually. So I guess I don't want to be without him and yet I cannot commit to him.
I feel like I'm being unfair by wanting him around without him actually being my boyfriend. Still, I gave him the option to date other girls and he said he'd rather wait for me. I don't know if hearing him say all the right words makes things easier or harder for me. They're definitely nice to hear though. How can I feel so happy and so confused and so worrisome at the same time? Here's to hoping I don't screw this up.
When did I start having 'feelings'? I didn't know I was capable of having them...again. I think I'll relieve my conscience by reminding myself that my last relationship was already falling apart long before any of this developed.
I also hope I stop frequently remembering all the old memories of a broken relationship. They pull me to a time in my life that no longer exists.

In a few days it will be a brand new year. I will start a brand new job. I just really hope I'll gain some valuable experience and it will be a positive learning experience. That's most important to me. I've also done some goal-revising. I've basically decided that I don't see accounting in my future. It's a bit too rigid and lifeless for me. I want to try to catch the big fish, all the long-shots that I probably won't get and will probably end up disappointed with myself for trying to get them in the first place.
Another very rough, general outline of what I hope to accomplish in a few years.

- Gain enough professional work experience to apply to graduate schools (3 - 5 years, so they say. *sighs* Oh great...I'll be 25 at the least O.O!)

- Take the GMAT --> That means I really need to crack down on studying.
Finish that test today.
Try to finish one section per month. So that might take me like...5 months?

- CFA LEVEL I --> REGISTER IN FEBRUARY FOR JUNE 2010 EXAM
Finish at least one book per month
If all goes well, Level II Dec 2010, Level III June 2011

- Apply to graduate schools a few years down the line. Hopefully I'll be moved out of here before then. Get into a good MBA program.

- Ultimately, I'd like to get into a topnotch MFE program. A graduate degree that specifically focuses on finance and is math-intensive sounds like it was designed for me. According to the student profile of UCLA's Andersen school, over half of those enrolled already have a graduate degree, so hopefully I can get my MBA degree to get into a good MFE school. which just goes to show that a B.S. in M.E. is useless.
Oh yeah, down the line, I'm going to need to figure out which pre-MFE program classes I need to take. I'm pretty sure that I need to learn C++ and linear algebra. I don't know if the calc and stats classes I took will actually fulfill any requirements.

- Use MFE degree to enter into a fulfilling, satisfying, lifelong career with medical, dental, pension, paid vacations, the works. The ultimate goal.

So for now, I need to focus on the internship and studying. The cash will be good for...
- Buy monthly Fast Pass & pay for phone bill
- Pay off Student Loan by April 2010
(- Pay the ex back for old bills (?))??
- See a dentist. Get rid of cavity -.- --> Make an appointment at UCSF.
- CFA Registration - Pay in February 2010

I'd also like to use my earnings to
- invest in CDs, mutual funds?, maybe look for some bonds, not feeling too good about equities especially when it looks like a good quarter with very few good entry points. as for Alternative Investments, I don't think I make enough money for real estate, hedging, futures, etcetera...
- start putting substantial amount into Roth IRA
- new clothes, maybe...? if there's any cash left...

STUFF I WANT BUT CAN'T HAVE (YET):
- new laptop --> hopefully under $600, preferably HP or Dell w/ Intel processor of at least 1.6GHz, 2 or 3 GB of ram, 250 - 300 GB Hard Drive, built-in webcam, preferably running Windows 7...what more could I ask for? It's not like I do any high-tech stuff. There's really no point in trying to plan for a new laptop. I've already decided I'm not going to buy a new one until I go to school again or until this one breaks down on me. Probably the latter will happen. I'm counting on it.
- MOVE OUT -> gotta get out of HERE. I DO plan to move out within the next year. Here's to hoping my future salary permits me the opportunity to move out of parents' house and into my own apartment closer to work.
- Pay for MBA & MFE on my own or w/ financial aid
- I would like my own car one day...but I guess that's not really on top of my list, because as much as I want one, I can admit that I don't need one. It's not like I can drive to work. Unfeasible, given how costly it is to drive downtown and how much it'd hurt the maintenance of a vehicle and the entire lack of parking and the ridiculous costs of public parking lots. Plus, car insurance is probably something I can't afford.
Oh the perils of a broke person in early 20's living in the city.
I've come a long way in the past few months. Gotta go even further.
and now...I sleep.