I don't know what it is. I just canNOT seem to get along with Eric anymore. one second we're having a conversation, and everything is fine and we're enjoying ourselves, and then next thing I know I feel annoyed and exasperated and can't wait to get away from him. I can admit that I'm at fault for some of the arguments but I don't know if I want to keep trying to make this work. But what do I do? Here is where a magic 8 ball would come in handy.
I'm too much of a coward to do anything, at least for now. If only someone had a definite right answer and would make the decision for me. yuck, that would make me weak. If anything, what I know is that I'm most afraid of losing the guy who's been my best friend for the past few years. I always think of things I want to tell Eric, because I'm just so used to telling him everything, and now I'm adjusting to not telling him everything.
a few things I've considered...
1) Eric doesn't want to hear everything that pops into my head. I've been to Europe. I can tell he's still bitter about it, and every time I bring it up, he looks like he can't wait for me to shut up about it.
2) I can't stay in a relationship, because I'm scared of hurting someone, especially someone who's been amazing to me. The point is, no matter how grateful I am for all that he's done for me, emotionally, platonically (not a word, but it should be right?), romantically, financially -.-, grateful is not what keeps a relationship. There has to be more than just that, right? I've especially been considering what James said. 'You have to satisfy yourself in a relationship too. Life is too short'
3) The easy thing is probably not the right thing. It'd be easy for me to stay in this relationship or ignore whatever issues we've been having. easy because it'd mean that I wouldn't have to make any hard, life-changing decisions.
4) Over the past few years, I've come to think of Eric as my best friend and he's sort of an integrated part of my life. I can't really imagine not having him around. I think about everything that we do together. It'd be weird eating at our usual spots or visiting the places that we go to with someone else.
5) Money issues, he practically supports me. This is not what I want for myself. How did I let myself get a financial crutch? Well, this is a definite change I need to make, starting with paying off my loan on my own.
6) I'm pretty sure Eric and I not getting along MUST be apparent to him, but it also appears that he's probably not going to do anything about it. Guys are even bigger wimps than gals. If there are any tough decisions to make, I think I'll have to be the one who makes it...lucky me, I'll have to be the bad guy.
*sighs* kind of hard for me to admit, but I'll miss Eric's friends, our mutual friends. Since I haven't been in San Francisco all that often, so they're not really MY friends, and those few mutual buddies (...like Johnson) who I talked to in high school...honestly, they're more Eric's friends than they are mine. As for everyone else...if Eric and I break up, I will most likely never see them again, and they're such nice people.
I'm just being brutally honest with myself at this point, no point in beating around the bush, it's not like anyone else will be reading this. I'm finally committing all my scary thoughts in print, so that I see the words in front of me, and I can't ignore it anymore.
oh yeah, more brutal honesty...I might have been subconsciously staying with Eric, because he's smarter than me. As much as he might respect me, he probably knows it, but too much of a wuss to say it to my face. I might have subconsciously been sticking around hoping to absorb his intelligence and learn the things that he knows. but seriously now, when we're together, it's our free time, and we don't make the time for me to learn what he knows, whatever it may be...mostly geeky computer stuff. But I have to be intelligent and independent enough to go learn it myself if I really want to pick up these skills...
ok...enough of my stupid relationship drama for now. I think I've drained myself of all the the thoughts I have on this topic.
and oh...4 years and 9 months ... jeez, it's no wonder I'm so scared. How do I go about putting an end to something I've had for so long? What the hell happened? I honestly do believe we were in love. Everything used to feel so perfect, no question about it.
... and now? what the hell do I know?